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Borowitz Report
October 18, 2011

A Letter from Goldman Sachs

Concerning Occupy Wall Street

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)– The following is a letter released today by Lloyd Blankfein, the chairman of banking giant Goldman Sachs:

Dear Investor:

Up until now, Goldman Sachs has been silent on the subject of the protest movement known as Occupy Wall Street.  That does not mean, however, that it has not been very much on our minds.  As thousands have gathered in Lower Manhattan, passionately expressing their deep discontent with the status quo, we have taken note of these protests.  And we have asked ourselves this question:

How can we make money off them?

The answer is the newly launched Goldman Sachs Global Rage Fund, whose investment objective is to monetize the Occupy Wall Street protests as they spread around the world.  At Goldman, we recognize that the capitalist system as we know it is circling the drain – but there’s plenty of money to be made on the way down.

The Rage Fund will seek out opportunities to invest in products that are poised to benefit from the spreading protests, from police batons and barricades to stun guns and forehead bandages.  Furthermore, as clashes between police and protesters turn ever more violent, we are making significant bets on companies that manufacture replacements for broken windows and overturned cars, as well as the raw materials necessary for the construction and incineration of effigies.

It would be tempting, at a time like this, to say “Let them eat cake.”  But at Goldman, we are actively seeking to corner the market in cake futures.  We project that through our aggressive market manipulation, the price of a piece of cake will quadruple by the end of 2011.

Please contact your Goldman representative for a full prospectus.  As the world descends into a Darwinian free-for-all, the Goldman Sachs Rage Fund is a great way to tell the protesters, “Occupy this.”  We haven’t felt so good about something we’ve sold since our souls.


Lloyd Blankfein

Chairman, Goldman Sachs

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Andy's Upcoming Events

Upcoming Events

October 19, 2011 at 08:00 PM

New York!

Andy celebrates the publication of The 50 Funniest American Writers with Nora Ephron, Calvin Trillin, Jenny Allen and more.  Book signing to follow.

92nd and Lexington
For tickets go to Borowitz in NYC

October 22, 2011 at 04:15 PM


Andy performs at the Texas Book Festival and signs copies of his new book, The 50 Funniest American Writers.  For more information, click here.

First United Methodist Church, 1201 Lavaca St.

November 19, 2011 at


Andy will do a free show at the Miami Book Fair and sign copies of his new book, The 50 Funniest American Writers.


December 03, 2011 at 07:30 PM

Rhinebeck, NY!

Andy will perform and sign copies of his new book, The 50 Funniest American Writers.  RSVP is required for this free event.  RSVP to or call 845-876-0500.

Oblong Books & Music, 6422 Montgomery, Rhinebeck, NY
For tickets go to Oblong Books

April 03, 2012 at 06:00 PM

Mark Twain’s House!

Andy will perform a special show at the Mark Twain Boyhood Home and Museum in Hannibal, MO.  Afterwards he'll be signing copies of his new book, The 50 Funniest American Writers.

120 N. Main St., Hannibal, MO 63401
For tickets go to Andy Borowitz at Mark Twain's House

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