From:   Jon Good <therealjongood@gmail.com>
Sent time:   Tuesday, October 18, 2011 10:26:02 AM
To:   september17@googlegroups.com
Subject:   Re: [september17discuss] MoveOn Execs Now Official Spokespeople For OWS, According to MSM Execs
 

I have three grammar issue that must be addressed, and a few semantic changes that I'd like to see, or at least discuss, but can live without.

Grammar:

The first sentence needs a comma between "people" and "because".

The second sentence can be resolved in two ways.1) "Through the collusion of both parties, only the top 1% has profited through fraud, and at the expense..."    2) In collusion with both parties, the top 1% has profited through fraud at the expense..."

In the fifth sentence, the comma between "backgrounds" and " from different walks of life"should be replace with "and".

Semantics: 

The third sentence introduces "We" without saying who "we" are.  I like "We, the people", but would also support "we, the occupation," or "we, the general assembly of people occupying Wall Street,"

In the fourth sentence, there are a couple of things that I find redundant. I think that "we rely on cooperation and solidarity among us to..." is not meaningfully different than "we rely on cooperation and solidarity to...", because "among is" is implied in the word "solidarity" when the subject of the sentence is "we".  

Immediately following that, "materialize" one of those awful words* that is just a pretentious way of saying a simple, already-existing word,* like "make." "Create," which is already in that list, means the same thing in this context (to make real, to bring something into existence).

In the fifth sentence, "gender backgrounds" should replace "sexual backgrounds" because it is more inclusive.

I would also add "social" to that list of backgrounds in the fifth sentence, with the acknowledgement that I'd rather say "class," but don't want a bunch of people jumping down our throats saying "OMG! They're Marxists! Get 'em!"


So, here we go:

Original (with fixed grammar):
The Democratic and Republican parties do not represent the people, because they've been bought and corrupted by Wall Street, and the occupation does not support their candidates. In collusion with both parties, only the top 1% has profited through fraud at the expense of everyone else. We have moved beyond false hopes, submission to eloquent speeches, and populist manipulation. We rely on cooperation and solidarity among us to imagine, create and materialize the changes needed for a sustainable world. From diverse multicultural, racial, ethnic, and sexual backgrounds and from different walks of life, we have begun to unite on common ground to oust the global financial powers that have bought our governments and who hold us hostage to their greed. 

Proposed amendments:
The Democratic and Republican parties do not represent the people, because they've been bought and corrupted by Wall Street, and the occupation does not support their candidates. In collusion with both parties, only the top 1% has profited through fraud at the expense of everyone else. We, the people, have moved beyond false hopes, submission to eloquent speeches, and populist manipulation. We rely on cooperation and solidarity to imagine and create the changes needed for a sustainable world. From diverse multicultural, racial, ethnic, social, and gender backgrounds and from different walks of life, we have begun to unite on common ground to oust the global financial powers that have bought our governments and who hold us hostage to their greed. 


Solidarity, 

Jon

*George Orwell has a fantastic essay on political language, which includes a discussion of "-ize" verbs as poor and lazy writing and can be found here: http://www.k-1.com/Orwell/site/work/essays/language.html.  It also has one of my favorite quotes of all time, and one that I remind myself constantly when writing in these discussions: "Political language—and with variations this is true of all political parties, from Conservatives to Anarchists—is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind."



On Tue, Oct 18, 2011 at 10:39 AM, shaista husain <shaistahusain@gmail.com> wrote:
Ok folks --can we agree on this--are there any constructive suggestions---

The Democratic and Republican parties do not represent the people because they've been bought and corrupted by Wall Street, and the occupation does not support their candidates. 
With the collusion of both parties, only the top 1% has profited through fraud, at the expense of everyone else. We have moved beyond false hopes, submission to eloquent speeches, and populist manipulation. We rely on cooperation and solidarity among us to imagine, create and materialize the changes needed for a sustainable world. From diverse multicultural, racial, ethnic, and sexual backgrounds, from different walks of life, we have begun to unite on common ground to oust the global financial powers that have bought our governments and who hold us hostage to their greed.



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